The death of the pub

Bendythree may be on its deathbed, but that's nothing compared to the parlous condition of yer local pub right now. Hammered by the smoking ban, and with the worry warts in the public health lobby successfully cajoling Alastair (collar and cuffs - me??) Darling into imposing a swingeing tax hike on all things sniffing of the demon drink, many great pubs (including the legendary Peter Kavanagh's, apparently) are on the verge of collapse.

What do we need? I know! A godawful "gastropub" which knows the meaning of "gastro" but to which the word "pub" is a faintly embarassing afterthought. Welcome to the Star and Dove: the worst pub in the world. What is so bad about this grim venue? Well, I'll stick to few suggestions which should make things clear:

1: Sell beer that doesn't taste of piss
2: Sell bar snacks (you might be a "gastropub", but pubs sell nuts. Here endeth.)
3: Do not dress your bar staff as chefs - you are fooling no-one.
4: Do not display art in what used to be a bowling alley. You are a pub.
5: Never. Ever. Run a pub quiz which requires contestants to 'make a Brazilian headress' out of primary school style bits of paper, then ask said contestants to dance around the pub to latin-esque music. Do not do this. It is wrong on every conceivable level.
6: Sell ginger wine. Personally, I can't stand the stuff but if you don't sell it, but do sell overpriced fizzy water by the gallon, you are not a pub - you are a glorified newsagent.
7: Do not run out of: real ale, warm guinness and even silly 'freezing cold' Guinness on a Saturday night. You might still have gratin au pomme dauphinois on the menu - but people don't go to pubs to eat overpriced chips 'n cheese when there's no beer on tap.

Rant over. The short version being: if you happen to be in south Bristol and you need a beer, go to the Oxford, not the Star and Dove . You may die violently at the hands of a coke-fuelled sociopath, but at least you'll be able to buy a packet of crisps.